Feedback Is Best Served Warm

Feedback is a sandwich that is best served warm and gooey but never sloppy. The number one reason we have so many conflicts in our relationships, especially professional ones, is because we fail to give timely and proper feedback. I guarantee that among the top reasons for high employee turnover is a lack of or delayed feedback. Feedback delayed is growth denied.

As part of Toastmasters' International leadership and communication programs, every Toastmaster (or mistress) must learn the importance of giving and receiving receptive feedback. It is crucial that those in authority practice and master this very useful and important skill. It is evident, though, that most authorities find it uncomfortable and will be passive-aggressive in their delivery. This behavior is extremely detrimental to companies' morale as well as personal and professional relationships. It will cause even the best employee, student, spouse or child to shrink or stagnate.

When efforts are not recognized in a timely fashion, even the most confident person will begin to wonder and may even second guess their performance or feel unappreciated.

Feedback is not criticism. It is necessary and good. It only resembles criticism when the experience is less than tactful, the receiver is not in a position to make amends, and it does not support the growth of the receiver.

BE CAREFUL OF THE COOLING OFF PERIOD

People are not mind-readers. They need to know what you think about their performance and/or behaviour. It is incumbent for those in charge to provide others with a timely and constructive evaluation of their performance. When feedback is delayed or cool off for too long, it loses its flavor and feelings begin to fester.

As the feedback period cools down, details become misremembered and misconstrued and the contents begin to change; making it untrustworthy and insincere. Over time, what we end up with are alternative facts and false evidence appearing real. In the end, a bad behaviour repeated over time and allowed acquiescently becomes the point of contention once addressed.

A COLD FEEDBACK IS JUST THAT - COLD! And a hot feedback leaves scar.

HOW TO GIVE FEEDBACK?

First and foremost, it is important to get permission before giving feedback, since the feedback belongs to the giver. When you give feedback, you should aim to give it in speaking form and speak in the first person only. Do not generalize or over-exaggerate. It should be given soon after the occurrence in a straightforward, matter-of-fact way that is encouraging to the recipient. The giver should focus only on the areas of improvement and the issues at hand, and not the individual. In other words, focus on the problem and not the person.

And note that, it is extremely important to avoid providing comments that have already been established or stated by yourself or others. Otherwise, it becomes bickering and belittling. So, decide on one key point to direct your suggestions or recommendation for improvement. It is also advisable to only state one "negative" or recommendation per occurrence, per person.

If you are in a group setting and the error has already been stated and there are no other obvious ones, simply state that you agree with the previous speaker without going into the details. Then state your recommendation for improvement. Chances are the person is already beating his or herself up. You can also offer to speak to the person in private.

USING THE SANDWICH MODEL

A good feedback consists of two positives and a negative. Thus, the sandwich model. At Hershaw Toastmasters, we customarily follow a pattern of "commend—recommend—commend". For example, you would start with something positive to commend (or compliment) the receiver, followed by a helpful recommendation for improvement or suggestion for growth, then end with a positive, empathic or uplifting statement or recognition. Here are a few suggestions:

• Begin your feedback by using "I" statements. Some example might be: I enjoyed when..., I appreciate..., I learned..., I found it helpful when you did/say..., I valued your..., I felt....

• The filler—this is where the real benefits are—should be delicate and moist. It should not be tough to chew and hard to swallow. The challenge comes when the giver does not stop to think. Based on my understanding from a coaches perspective, you should spend some time reflecting on your response. Ask yourself, or draw from other team members, what could have been better or done differently. Stick to the impartial points of view only. Use statements such as: May I recommend/suggest... A technique I found helpful was... I think next time you might consider... It appeared to me... My reaction was... I would have preferred/liked if... To make it even better... I was confused... I didn't see/noticed/understand... to soften the tone. It is also incumbent for me to repeat that the feedback belongs to the giver and not the receiver. Meaning, whatever you say, is your opinion and the receiver can take it or leave it.

• Finally, end by commending the doer's actions again with statements such as I am glad/happy... I enjoyed... I appreciated.... The overall feel should be tactful, reasonable and sincere.

Note that there is always something to commend a person on and room for recommending improvement. Don't hold back, even if you think the person is superior to you. Your insights are valuable. And please, dispel the myth "If you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything all." By saying nothing you not only hurt the person, you hurt yourself in the process and basically beg for the behaviour to repeat itself.

All you need to do is collect your thoughts and deliver your message in a manner that is timely, factual, helpful, encouraging and compassionate. No matter what, it is always necessary to give proper feedback.

THE SLOPPY JOE

The difference between a good feedback and a bad feedback is a good feedback is like a nice clean sandwich and a bad feedback is like a messy sloppy Joe. A good feedback is carefully crafted with consideration and tenderness; while a bad feedback is enough to give you a heart attack.

The tell-tale signs of bad feedbacks are words and phrases such as you should/must..., you failed to..., never..., but..., however..., the only thing... and try to.... These words and phrases clearly indicate that the giver has not owned their thoughts or feelings. Nor do they understand the true meaning of feedback.

A good feedback deals directly with how the behaviour made you feel and what you would like to see change moving forward. This gives the receiver an opportunity to make amends and grow from the situation. As you can see, feedback is a two-way street that is beneficial to both parties.

Feedback can be a pleasant and positive experience when delivered with empathy and care. It should be a welcoming opportunity for the receiver to gain insight of how others respond to him/her. It helps the receiver recognize what it is they do that gets under others skin. It is also a way for people to learn their strengths and weaknesses and what they need to change to become the person they see themselves becoming. It is important to ask for feedback regularly as well to avoid operating in your blind spot.

"There is no such thing as failure. There is only feedback." —Archa Mati

References: Toastmasters International Competent Leadership and YWCA Dynamics of Life Skills Coaching
*Previously posted on LinkedIn

Until next time,
Be blessed. Be bold. Be strong. Be You!
—Aggiestrong
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Andrene Gregory is a life coach at Aggie Strong Ultimate Life Coaching Services. You can follow her on Instagram, Twitter, Google+, and LinkedIn for more of information and learn more about her. She provides one-to-one coaching and group workshops to adults seeking to improve their life skills, lifestyle and leadership capabilities for greater confidence and work-life balance.

Image update- 09/13/22