Are You An Introvert Or Just Shy?

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Being a confident introvert who's also self-conscious, makes me an alluring enigma. I'm not saying this to brag--don't judge me--just simply stating my truth--a calculating assessment of myself.

Because I am quiet most of the time, people automatically assume that I am shy or stand-offish. But I don't really believe that "shy" is an accurate assessment of me. Just ask those who really know me.

The thing that makes me such an enigma is that a lot of people think being an introvert means you're shy; but far from it! When I mentioned once at a party that I was an introvert, one of the girls quickly retorted, "You! An introvert..? I don't think so, and I have the pictures on my phone to prove it." as we all chuckled. Being an introvert means I am reserved and observant and choose my company wisely. A lot of times, this looks like shy. But, yes! Introverts do have fun (smile). Truthfully, a lot of the time introverts are the life of the party. We are warm, generous and charismatic people; with a laid back, happy-go-lucky nature. However, we are intuitive and insightful. We see and hear a lot--the unspoken words and the side gestures--but we keep it "inside" us until it is necessary for us to express ourselves--thus "in-trovert". Introverts are not likely to spread rumors or gossip about others. 

Intimate gathering - dinner party - google image

Introverts prefer small intimate gatherings over big elaborate events. This doesn't make them shy. They like to keep their relationships deeply private and personal; infused with warmth and understanding. Absent of this, they are out. The main tell-tale difference between introverts and shy people is that introverts are left feeling emotionally drained and tired by the end of an event; while shy people are nervous and timid around people. Extroverts are like the energizer bunny--they just keep on going and they are not intimidated by large crowds; while it may take introverts some time to warm up to them. This often gives the impression that introverts are stand-offish or shy. Neither of which are true in most cases. As for me, I can be verbose at times and reticent at others. It all depends on who I'm around, how comfortable I feel around them, or how passionate I feel about certain subjects. 

I remember the first time I had a "real" conversation with a coworker of a previous job. After expressing my views, he became quite taken aback and proclaimed: "You are not shy at all! You are deep!" My quietness was mistaken for shyness. Well, that's just one of the few well-kept secrets of introverts. We are often deep, creative thinkers, very articulate, informative, and witty, often with a dry sense of humor.

Girl sitting on grass with headphones in hand - google image

Being introverted is needing time and isolation to recharge after being around people for awhile. Wherever there is an introvert, there is a music device, a notebook and some pens close by. They not only need but crave alone time like they need air and blood to survive. Space is their haven. This is how we get re-energized to re-engage. When introverts don't get this time to recoup and reflect they can become brash and bashful. 

Extroverts like to feed off of others and need to be around people to feel alive and energized. Activities such as networking, frequent meetings and events involving large crowds are their source of energy. Such activities excite extroverts as they love to talk and mingle. This is why most extroverts see introverts as shy. It is this lack of insight that often leads to such misunderstandings. Introverts are like your average four-cylinder engines. Powerful and quiet but will give you more bang for your buck. While extroverts are like your average V-6 engine. Need a lot more gas but less efficiency. Neither is shy, just one runs you ragged while the other conserves energy--very methodical and efficient. 

Girl working away at her desk alone - google image

Being shy means you are afraid of being judged (fear of judgment). Introverts don't give two hoots! As a result, shy people become overwhelmingly nervous or reluctant to speak or do certain things outside of their comfort zone, especially around new people. This is a characteristic that plagues both introverts and extroverts alike.

Another leading misconception is that extroverts cannot be shy.  Some people mistakenly believe themselves to be introverted because they shy away from interacting with other people. When it could be that they have learned to be timid, super self-judgmental, stuck-up or are depressed. This may leave them feeling alienated or left out, and frustrated. But their behavior could be due mostly to their disorder and not introversion. Introverts are confident, reserved and observant and are okay with being left alone; especially if is not done out of spite by others. As a matter of fact, they relish their alone time. 

Beautiful black bald young woman- google image

In summary, introverts are not shy. They just prefer to use their creative energy doing other things. So, if interacting with people drains you, you are an introvert. If you are intimidated by others, especially new faces, you are shy. It is also possible to be an outgoing and gregarious introvert or a shy and withdrawn extrovert. For example, a shy extrovert although they love to socialize, would be nervous going up on a stage to perform. While a gregarious introvert could love to entertain and host the most fun parties but can't wait for the guests to leave. They actually find too much social interaction over stimulating and get temporarily unstimulated after prolonged interactions. They may even feel bothered by the interaction or the need for it. 

Mind you, this is not to say being shy means you can't be a confident person. A lack of confidence means feeling uncertain about one's skills or abilities. So while you may feel awkward in social interactions, it doesn't mean you are not confident in other things such as your job, or your creativity, or your ability to dress and present yourself well. Confidence can show up in different ways and at different times. To tell you the truth, I know a lot of "shy" people who are excellent at what they do. The good news is, you can always develop your social or interpersonal skills. Take Princess Diana for instance; she was thought to be a coy person but over time she developed the skills to become one of the most eloquent speakers and became the most photographed person in the world. Barbra Streisand is an iconic performer with a larger than life personality but is said to battle terrible stage fright. She is a prime example of a shy extrovert.

Now you decide if you are an introvert or just shy (fear of being judged by others) or even self-conscious (an overwhelming awareness of oneself, actions, appearance or intentions; self-judging). Take the test here: https://lonerwolf.com/introvert-or-extrovert-test/

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Author's bio pic

Andrene Gregory is a life coach at Aggie Strong Ultimate Life Coaching Services. You can follow her on Instagram, Twitter, Google+, and LinkedIn for more tidbits of information and learn more about her. 

She provides one-to-one coaching and group workshops to adults seeking to improve their life skills, lifestyle and leadership capabilities for greater confidence and work-life balance.