The Reasons We Have Problems Listening And How To Develop Better Listening Skills

Title pic: 2 girls by the lake

Are you a good listener? No, really, are you? Listening is the most basic and profound skill a person has. But for one reason or the other, most of us don't use it very well. 

There are literally hundreds of life skills that we use every day, but if there is one we must develop, is our ability to listen intently and actively. Listening seeks compassion and understanding for other fellow human beings. It is more than just hearing,
as it involves more than just the ears.

Listening also involves the heart, mind, body and soul or the third eye. When was the last time you truly listened to someone without eagerly waiting your turn to speak or interrupting? I challenge you to practice active listening today. You may be surprised by what you learn about yourself, others and life in general. 

5 Ways To Improve Our Listening

Our Attitude:

Active listening begins with our attitude or predisposition towards each other. If our attitude towards a person is negative or condescending we will not hear a word the person says to begin with. We will be actively seeking in our mind for every possible way to disagree, repudiate, or diminish everything the person says.

The Physical Body:

Listen with your ears and let your body do the talking.  Sounds contradictory, but the gist is to let the speaker know you are listening and understanding what he or she is saying without annoying interruptions.  We can engage the physical self in listening process by using facial expressions and other body gestures such as nods, smiles and other gimmicks. By applying ourselves and putting on our "giant ears" we begin to listen more intently. 

This means:

• Perking up the ears by engaging the thought process and keeping an open mind.
• Zoning out all physical, emotional and environmental distractions, biases and frustrations.
• Turning the body in towards the speaker and relax any tension in the body. Unclenching the teeth, dropping the shoulders, uncross the legs and keep the palms open.
• Maintaining a soft eye contact, without fixating. The eyes help the mind to focus. 

The Mind:

The mind is the central operating unit (CPU) of the physical self.  It needs adequate rest and proper maintenance such as enough hydration.  If not, it becomes fragmented or crashes and burns.  When any of these happen, we have a hard time processing information and develop what I call scatterbrain syndrome—difficulty listening or focusing.  Stress can also play a role in this by over stimulating the mind making it difficult for us to quiet the mind. As a result, we may then experience raising thoughts. Raising thoughts can affect our sleep pattern and deprive us of our sleep further resulting in impatience and difficulty waiting our turn to speak. The main reason for engaging your mind in the listening process is so that you can follow up with facts.

The Third Eye:

Here lies the depth of perceptiveness. It allows us to see what the speaker is saying as if we were present in their body. To engage the third eye, sometimes refer to as the mind's eye,  is to tap into our higher level of consciousness and evoke compassion.  This allows us to put ourselves in the place of other people, walk in their shoes and see things from their perspective. By shifting our paradigm, we get a better understanding of their position and develop empathy for others; which leads us to the heart of the matter.

The Heart:

In order to truly listen, we need to open up your heart.  The heart is where compassion lives. The heart hears feelings and emotions. It listens for pain, fear, joy, sadness, excitement and so forth. Don't plug the heart with plaque of prejudices and indifferences.  It needs to stay free and clear. This is not just essential to our ability to listen better, but for our over all well-being.  The goal is to build relationships, not destroy them and ourselves in the process. To that end, it is pivotal for us to listen with our emotions intact.

To Recap: How Do We Develop Our Listening Skills?

To develop and engage our active listening skill and become a better listener, we must:

1. Adjust our attitude 
2. Defragment the mind
3. Relax the body: become open and alert
4. Raise our consciousness
5. Free our heart of any prejudices

As the person speaks, let them know you are paying attention by nodding, and making affirmative sounds and statements like "um" and "I see".  Also mimicking facial expressions and voice intonation are other ways to show you are actively listening.  Other things you can do to stay engaged are to ask for clarification and pose follow up questions.  For example,

• "How did that make you feel?
• "That's interesting, tell me more…; that's correct…;

Or ask other leading questions like:

• "What did you mean when you said..."
• "Is this what you mean...?"

Good communication skills is not just about how well we articulate our sentences or how fluent, grammatically or politically correct we speak. It requires us to engage our listening skills, which in turn requires a higher level of self-awareness and self-confidence. Someone once said, “when you understand your personal level of comfort and communication style, you will be more likely to give your full attention to others without judgment or assumption”. From this position we will be able to let a person speak without interruptions; except for the occasional reflection and paraphrasing:

• So, "What I'm hearing is...," and
• "Did I hear you correctly, sounds like you are saying...."

Those are great ways to interject and let the speaker know you were listening and that you care. 

Maslow Hierarchy of Needs

On a closing note, the reason most people have difficulty developing their listening skills is because they are operating at their most fundamental level of need: a survival mode or from a survival instinct. 

The next time you are having a hard time listening or paying attention, check yourself to see which area you are experiencing difficulties.  

• Is it because of poor attitude or biases towards the person?
• Are you experiencing some sort of distraction, frustration, or tension?
• Is it stress, impatience, an overactive or fragmented mind?
• Are you having trouble shifting your ideals or operating from a higher consciousness?
• Or, is it an inability to evoke some sort of empathy because you just don't care?  

Paying attention to your listening skills helps you to become more self-aware and raise your consciousness.  More importantly it is great ways to become a better listener and hopefully a better communicator.  So next time you are called upon to listen, don’t focus so much on the person, try to focus more on what the experience must have been like for him or her.  Be open and creative and non-judgmental!

Until next time,
Peace out V!
-Aggiestorng
---

Andrene Gregory is a life coach with certification in LifeSkills training and Personality Dimensions. She helps empower adults to live a strength-based life, regain their confidence and find the courage to get through life's challenging situations. Her unique approach to getting desired results includes personality assessment, self-knowledge, goal setting, and action planning.

Andrene provides one-on-one coaching and group workshops. Find out more at www.aggiestrongulc.com.