To begin with
It did not pay so well, but it came with a much-needed benefits package—thank goodness! Lord! Much as working an overnight shift was challenging, I didn't mind it so much. I got to be home for my children when they got home from school and spend quality time with them. I also get to sleep all day—when I was not running frantically paying bills, and worrying about making ends meet.Regardless, I was living my dreams—and was proud of myself—I did it and did it all on my own. How I did I do it? Only God knows. This is why I say with certainty that God is my refuge and strength and if you put your mind to anything, He will help you get through it. All you need is faith, discipline, and determination. A little encouragement and a bit of moral support also go a long way.
Anyhow, back to VersaCold—where hell freezes over.
As I arrived at work every night, I'd say good night in a cheerful tone to a bunch of guys standing or sitting by the entrance waiting to start their shifts. And every single night I was ignored—not one goddam person would respond or even reach out to me. But I was determined to not stop saying good night. I was brought up show respect...and part of showing respect includes acknowledging people when you see them for the first time with a cheerful greeting. I told myself that maybe they weren't brought up with respect or maybe they just don't like me. Either way, I was not going to let their behavior get to me. I tried hard to maintain a positive attitude with the consolation that I was there to earn a living, not to make friends. Which after awhile sort of became my mantra together with repeating parts of the 23rd Psalm: “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” I resolved that I was not going to let anyone stop from keeping a roof over my children's head or paying my bills. Night after night, day after day, I was reminded that, WOW! People at VersaCold are COLD!To add insult to the injury
I was blamed for almost everything that went wrong on the account(s) I worked on. Even if other people worked on these accounts—if I touched it and something went wrong, I was to be blamed—I was the scapegoat. So, of course, I stood up for myself and I fought back hard. If no one was going to stand up for me, I had to be twice the soldier for myself. But my emails and explanations would be ignored just like my presence. "I wanted to look important" they would say behind my back...people talk you know, especially when they want to hurt you. Nobody cared—nobody seemed to want me there. So pulled the "I am Black" card. Why else? I was a good worker. I worked hard, bend over backward, put in the overtime, fill in when called upon—even to cover work they thought I wasn't competent to do. Then they would make a big hoopla if anything ever went wrong. I didn't care, I still did it. The word was, I was a stickler for pain. And yes, maybe I was because I had two little children who depended on me solely and I could fight them. That was the spirit I had. The more they fought with me, the more I was motivated to prove them wrong. You see, I was the only black female working at this particular location, and one of two blacks in the office position and it remained so until they hired a black ops manager who stayed but a short while. Other than that, there was no one I could truly relate to—no one that really looked like me. And because I was labeled the trouble maker, the people I worked closest with often shied away from talking to me lest they too would be chastised.So why did they keep me?
This is something I pondered all the time. I resolved that it was because I was doing a job no one else wanted to do and I was content with doing it. Working the graveyard shift and doing the dirty and most mundane job in the organization was not desirable by any stretch of the imagination. It was the job with the highest turnover rate in the company and I did it for 6 years without complaining! It worked for both of us at the time—or so I thought.So, why did I stay?
Overlooked for better opportunities when they arose, being severely underpaid in comparison to peers, constantly harassed and the subject of sarcasm and scapegoatism, complaints got swept under the rug, labeled "the problem one" or "trouble". People stayed clear of me, even the new ones. It was painful. I knew I was not doing anything wrong unless standing up for myself was wrong—which is never in my books. I was cut down and thrown under the bus more times than I care to remember. Only God and my children saw my tears and heard my plight...But I am Strong! I have to be for my children's sake. ForEverStrong! Refused to quit because I've got bills to pay and mouths to feed. Hang tight just a little while longer. But what about my dignity? I sacrificed that. Sometimes you have to put pride aside. They whispered, "she's a stickler for punishment". What they did not understand was, I was a stickler for my children. A stickler for my livelihood and my responsibilities. It was easier staying than leaving, or so I told myself.
Also, I loved the job, I had full autonomy and flexibility to do my work in peace when they would get it to me in time. So, I worked that awful shift that nobody really wanted to work. Plus, I had good benefits. I stayed on that goddamn shift for about 4 years, doing the same goddamn-awful mundane duties and taking all the goddamn blames. Subsequently, they created all types of various other goddamn awful shifts they could come up with to get me to quit. Shifts like 3:00 AM - 11:00 AM, 7:00 PM - 3:00 AM or whatever awkward shifts they would propose I work. But being strong-willed, I stayed, negotiated my hours and kept working those goddamn awful shifts to keep a roof over our heads and mind my children. I was a stickler and the scapegoat and I embraced who I was and fought where I could—I'd be damned if I was going let anyone boxed my job out of my hand without a fight.
The thing was, I have good qualifications: a college diploma in Business Administration and a trained legal assistant with nearly 10 years experience. So, why was I so stuck!? Why didn't I just move on? Why did I stay in that goddamn, awful job for so long, kept fighting and stressing out myself? Kept having anxiety attacks and psychosomatic symptoms? Why didn't I quit? Just cut my losses and move on? You see, like any bad relationship, people get crippled and locked in by fear of the unknown. I was frightened of hitting the pavement again and putting myself out there. The "what ifs" and the negative committee that meet inside our heads compel us to fear and drudgery. We then focus on all the worst possible scenarios instead of the vast possibilities that await in the horizon. We make fear-based decisions instead of faith-based decisions that keep us moving forward in a healthy way.
So for me, yes, it was a case of trepidation and complacency. I told myself I was comfortable there despite all the troubles I was facing in getting along on the job. It was not my problem, it was there. I was making a living and was thankful to have a job and maintained my independence. That was all I really cared about. Meeting my parental obligations, my desire for financial security and fiscal responsibility equated more to me than the physical and emotional coldness of the environment and the people.
I made excuses:
I told myself that I was there for too long—too vested. I didn't want to think about re-training at my age and peculiar predicament. I did not care to go back to the legal profession. Most small to midsize law offices did not/could not afford to pay benefits and the pay was roughly the same and the hours are long. I also appreciated being on the night shift. Being a single parent, for me, it was the best of both worlds. I could sleep during the day while my girls were in school and be well rested and ready to spend a full evening with them running errands and chauffeuring them to their various extracurricular activities. The company was close to home—just 15 minutes drive—10 minutes if I sped. It was a love-hate relationship. I loved that I got time to spend with my two girls and hated what it was doing to my system. I was running down. My immune system became very weak as a result, I came down with the flu or other ailments easily. On top of that, I suffered from environmental allergies, so it seems it was always sick. But I digress.A stickler for sacrifices
I had made some major sacrifices for my values and my intrinsic needs. At times, I even sacrificed the wellbeing of my most precious gifts—my children. I was so stuck! Stuck trying to make them (VersaCold) see that I was a good and diligent worker. Stuck trying to make them do what was right. Stuck trying to make them act morally just. Stuck fighting a good fight to prove a cause and pave the way for others like me. I could not live with myself if another black woman or single mother had to suffer what I had to endure. So I stayed and I fought—not just for me, but for other employees who were too afraid to speak up.Making peace with rejection
No more freezing hell for me. That final rejection was a blessing in disguise. They gave me back my gift wrapped in ugly paper—but I unwrapped my gift of freedom to pursue my passion. God had held on to my gift that I had refused to take for so long. So I intend to use it! You see, we get stuck and stay stuck in intolerable situations because we resist change. We want to control our circumstances; but before we know it, they start to control us. And sometimes when we refuse to let go of foolishness before they take everything we've got; by the mercies of God, He cuts the ties that bind—I was let go from that goddamn awful job! Thanks be to God! I have been unstuck by His grace and mercies.Get unstuck today!
Be Blessed...Be Bold...Be Strong...Be you!
-Aggiestrong
---
She helps adults who are committed to change live a healthy balanced life, regain their confidence and find clarity to get through life's challenging situations. Her unique approach to getting desired results includes self-awareness, stress management, goal setting, and action planning.
Andrene provides one-on-one coaching and group workshops. Find out more at www.aggiestrongulc.com.
Comments
Post a Comment
Please be reasonable and respectful. Thank you.