LONELINESS IS A SYMPTOM, NOT A DISEASE

Beautiful flower from my vase

The biggest misconception today is that people who are socially active or have lots of friends aren't or shouldn't be lonely. As a matter of fact, some of the loneliest people in the world have the most "so-called" friends. The problem is, they are in unrequited relationships. Relationships where the feelings are not mutual or not returned. 

Let's take that guy who committed suicide a few years ago, umm—Robbin Williams! Who would have thought that someone like him would have this kind of problem? 

What most people oftentimes fail to realize is that loneliness is a psychological complexity that is half disease and half self-imposed; and that, left untreated, can become debilitating, crippling, or even life-threatening. 

The Lonely Christians

Gen 2:18 - Helpmate

I must confess. This post was inspired by a Christian client who said to me, she wishes someone could write about loneliness. So I told her I would. She might not be quite happy with what I have to say, as I write as I am led. So I trust she will find peace with it. 

Oftentimes Christians in the church who complain of loneliness are slapped with a quick response: God is your wife or your husband. Oh no, He ain't! God said that it was not good for man to be alone, so He made him a helpmate. God knew from the get go that humans are the only social species He created on this earth capable of controlling loneliness and any other emotions for that matter. God didn't call everyone to be a eunuch² for Him either. 

But he said to them, “Not everyone can accept this teaching, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let anyone accept this who can.”

—Matthew 19:11–12

The thing is, most people, including Christians, confuse companionship and consummation with loneliness. So when they are feeling like they want a bedmate, instead of saying they desire a husband or a wife, set a goal and plan for that person to manifest in their life, and they start telling themselves that they are lonely. This is called, reprogramming of the mind. And because the mind believes whatever you tell it, it starts sending you reverse symptoms of loneliness; such as sadness instead of motivation. Which you then internalized as confirmation of being lonely.

Some people, like myself, find it contradictory to hear Christians cry for loneliness. 

• Isn't God supposed to fulfill all your needs?
• Isn't your soul supposed to be well with your God? 
• Are you saying your God is a liar?
• How can a person in church surrounded by fellowship be feeling lonely?
• Why would anyone want to trust a father who doesn't take care of his children's needs like he promised he would? 

By definition, that seems blasphemous, doesn't it? Taking the Lord's name in vain by not believing in the power of His might. But who am I to judge? Just give it a thought. 

Mind you, Jesus was often seen with Mary Magdalene, with whom He had a close relationship. Researchers are still trying to conscript the pieces as to the extent of their relationship. Many claimed she might have been His secret wife. Which I find false because Jesus was a public example of how people should live their lives. That was His sole purpose here on earth. But those who seek to assassinate His character will seek out salacious evidence to prove their point. There is no evidence in the Bible to support either her being a prostitute or the wife of Jesus. But I digress.

The Lonely Single Seculars

Mother Teresa - The biggest disease

People of all ages need friendship and fellowship, but adults especially need companionship. By this, I mean a romantic partner. Someone intimate to share the burdens and blessings of life with.

Mother Teresa and Princess Diana were avid vocalists on the dangers of loneliness in today's society. It's time we start taking loneliness more seriously or choose our words more wisely. 

Loneliness is not a myth or a disease. It is a symptom of other issues that can lead to depression. It is very real and affects nearly forty percent of the world's population by estimation, especially those living in social isolation.

The definition of lonely or loneliness is feeling sad because you have no friends, family, or fellowship—and I'll add—no faith.

The Lonely Married Person 

Robin Williams - alone

There was a time when I, too, was married and "lonely". Now, I am single and loving life. You see, I was lonely because I did not fully understand life. I thought I did. But in hindsight, I realized I didn't. I was foolish enough to believe one man could satisfy all my needs. I wanted him to be my husband, my provider (although I had a job), my protector, my best friend, my confidant AND…my soulmate. Hell no! Who was I kidding? He ain't Jesus!? 

He was only supposed to be the head of the household, the breadwinner and a sperm donor. Lol! Pun intended.

Then I finally took my head out of my sorry behind to see life passing me by. I saw that people who had friends outside of their marriage had their own jobs and hobbies, and were living their own lives despite being married, were happily married. They were not fretting or complaining about how lonely they were. They were taking charge of their own happiness. 

You have to find your balance in life in an interdependent world—not clinging to any one thing or person. Discover your joy—your passion and your purpose outside of parenthood and marriage. Be your own empowered self and find someone who will embrace your living fully. 

The Lonely Stay-At-Home or Aging Parent

Princess Diana - unloved

It is important that your loved ones understand the importance of checking in. Checking in says I care about you and your well-being. A lot of stay-at-home parents and aging parents find themselves dissolved into the despair of social isolation—especially new moms. A quick five-minute call to say: "l love you. Is everyone/everything okay?,"  can be a simple catalyst it takes to keep the loneliness away and make a loved one's day.

Yes, it is true, they can call too. But it's easier for you to call. You have more control over your situation at work. And the last thing your homie wants is to get you in trouble with the boss at work. The onus is on the person away from home to do the calling. So call the people you say you love/care about at least once per day; and especially if there is a change in your regular routine. Don't leave them hanging. 

If your job can't allow for that, maybe it's time to reconsider. And if it's not the job, then you either need to re-prioritize your values or reconsider the relationship. Something has to give. What will it be? 

What can we do...?

I am not a scientist or psychologist, but personally, I think no amount of friends or family will take away a person's sense of loneliness if love is not shown or received. Actions speak louder than words, but your words matter too. So please show and tell. 

According to Robin Williams, and I quote:

"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." 

Best Remedies 

Life is great!

Loneliness is a gaping hole that can be filled by staying focused or preoccupied with one's goals or passion. People who don't have goals get obsessed or fixated on what others are not doing to make them feel happy or feel better. It's always about someone else not fulfilling their needs. We all have a responsibility to find our own joy and fulfillment in life. 

Every time I found myself consumed with loneliness was because I had projected my self-love and self-care responsibilities onto somebody else, instead of focusing on what I could do for myself in that moment.   

If you are truly lonely...

• Get out and make new friends. There are tons of Meet-Up groups you could join.
• Read a book. 
• Volunteer your time for the greater good and act of selflessness. 
• Focus on how you can bring more joy into your life by doing things you enjoy and are in your control. 

Having good friends is the answer to some of life's most pressing problems. Jesus had 12. But friendship comes with a price—the act of self-sacrifice. Realize that no one person can fulfill all your needs, especially if you don't know what you want or how to fulfill them yourself. 

A lover is not going to make you any less lonely. Neither is a child nor a pet. Worst, medications. These are all temporary fixes, possibly additional problems to a personal situation. 

So, again, If you are truly lonely, find the source of your symptoms. 

• Do you really not have any friends, family or people you can fellowship with? 
• Have you no faith that your God will supply all your needs? 
• Or are you just bored with no goals or plans to work on? 
• Maybe you are lacking clarity? 

Whatever it is, find it and fill that gap with your goals or passion—a hobby of some sort—something sound to pass the time. Get busy. Busy people have no time for loneliness. Self-pity or temporary fixes won't make you well. You'll only end up lonelier and bothered. 

In summary, life is limited. Respect and appreciate your loved ones. Do not take them for granted. Don't leave them feeling lonely or worrying if something has happened to you. First of all, worrying can manifest as loneliness and create distrust. Secondly, it causes nagging. Something none of us like to receive or give, for that matter. Thirdly, loneliness is an emotion just like happiness, anger, jealousy, and so forth. It will surface from time to time but it doesn't stay. Just like hunger, when you eat, it goes away.

Recognize what is the source and the degree of your sadness and label it properly. Loneliness is a degree of sadness. You feel sad because you have no one to talk to—lonely. You feel sad because you have lost a loved one—grief. You control your feelings. You can let it pass or wallow in it. You are in the driver's seat. You can choose how long you'll continue in the wrong direction. Whether you'll go on in circles or choose to turn around and go in the direction of your true destiny. If you have lost control, then you will allow it to go off the deep end as it festers into a disease of despair.

Life is great! All you need to do is set goals to achieve your dreams. 

Until next time,

Be Blessed. Be Bold. Be Strong. Be you!

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Andrene Gregory is a life coach at Aggie Strong Ultimate Life Coaching Services. You can follow her on Instagram, Twitter, Google+, and LinkedIn for more tidbits of information and learn more about her. 

She provides one-to-one coaching and group workshops to adults seeking to improve their life skills, lifestyle and leadership capabilities for greater confidence and work-life balance.